Carol Scudder

Open To Stuff....

30 - again

On this, my 30th birthday - I think back on all my other 30th birthdays.
It's an age worth repeating,  as one rarely gets it right the first time. Not that I remember too much about that first 30. I'd just quit smoking, I remember that. And have mostly kept it that way, except for the occasional backslide due to the events of September 11th or my Mother's passing or because I was in a play (not that my characters smoked, but that theater folks often smoke, so - sometimes I slid back - though it was never a full slide.)
And I'd gotten married just a year prior, at 29. OH 29 - you're so silly! Which goes for all those ages starting with "2", willy, nilly and silly. Sigh. (not that getting married was silly - just the ages starting with "2". Don't worry people whose ages start with "2" - it'll pass - and you'll be glad - promise!)
And aside from quitting smoking... there was probably other stuff; stuff like cooking, eating, working, fitness, sex, shopping, sleeping, meeting people, setting goals (in my head anyway, where I set them carefully up on a series of head-shelves and occasionally dust them - how does all that dust get in my head anyway?)
So the next time I turned 30 - that second time? Much better I think.
I really, really thought it through that time. I mean ... it's one thing when you just "ARE 30" -- quite another when you make a conscious decision to BE 30. It's a "once more with feeling!" kind of thing. It's the consciousness of a truly conscious decision that makes all the difference.
I was deep into the work with my psychoanalyst by then.
Heck yeah! F-you unconscious self! I'm cracking your code, reading you the riot act, putting your unconscious head in a head-lock and giving you a round-house to the many faces of your face!
Except ... well - turns out that's not how it works.
So instead I learn to pull you apart one thin layer at a time, you onion-y rascal - to try to make you a more conscious onion, suitable for salads and saute's. I learn to separate and to be more aware of when I'm not being separate - and to not be angry - no wait - I learn to BE ANGRY ... like for real - and not rush to (fake) forgive people without letting myself know that I'm REALLY ANGRY  - and  THEN, finally, I  learn to not be so angry - but only after I fully recognize my giant pile of anger.
No wonder that second round of 30 was so exhausting!
So ... what for this third round?
Probably all of the above. If hindsight is 20/20 and foresight is often blind as justice - or a bat  - well maybe my mind's eye sees better than I think - since with age comes wisdom unless one truly insists otherwise - so - this might be my best damned 30 yet! (Until the next).