Hi Women. I'm Paul.
Hi Women. I'm Paul. Do you come here often? My wing-man, Mitt, is in the restroom. May I sit down? Mitt'll be back in a minute, so we'll leave a seat for him, if that's OK. And can I just say, and I think Mitt will agree with me on this, that you look really, really pretty right now. You look thin and young and really really pretty. Not too thin of course, because women are beautiful in all sizes and whatever size you are is totally perfect. And there's no reason for you to look younger either, because women are beautiful at every age. If you were thinner or younger you'd probably look really pretty too, but you look pretty just like that, in that outfit, with your hair just like that, right now.
So, now that I've got your attention, as if looking into my iridescent gray but mostly blue eyes wasn't enough ... you want to touch my hair? Well - OK, just for a second. I know! I really lucked out in the hair department.
Anyway ... look! You made me blush! Anyway! Gosh! Now that I've got your attention, there's a few things I need to tell you.
Since I'm already blushing, let's start with sex, ha ha. But seriously. (don't take your eyes off of my eyes, and this will all sound a lot better)
What you need to do, stay with me here, is let me and other people like me, but mainly me, pretty much take over all decisions about your body. You've got enough to worry about just working on your abs right? (and may I recommend P90X? I'm living proof that it works!) But your abs are great anyway - no matter what they look like.
So sex. Here's the deal. It's for babies. Only.
I mean to make babies - only - see? Procreation. Period. Well preferably procreation period. I mean, listen, we all like to have fun and as long as you're married in the eyes of God then, you know .... there's little tricks I hear about, calendars, cycles, there's ways to "do it" and maybe not get a bun in the oven (who needs the carbs! ha ha!) - but contraception? I think I have to go with the Catholic Church on this one - contraception just screws up the whole purpose of sex and makes it dirty and disgusting. So I really can't get behind that at all, well hardly at all anyway. But abortion. Ugh. Like never, ever, under any circumstances - you know? Ugh. I mean you want to talk about being "pro-choice"? Well its really very "anti-choice" because you're basically telling God that you don't agree with his choice for you. That God's decision to make the sperm of His choice connect with your egg and fertilize it at whatever moment He decides to have that happen - and I'm not going to say specifically whenever or under whatever circumstances I'm talking about right now because it's a real "hot button issue" you know? But like I said - whenever and whatever circumstances - if you get an abortion it's like you're telling God "no". It's like you hear the phone ringing in your uterus and you pick it up and it's God and you say "no". Seriously ladies, no offense, but you need to rethink that. And you need to just, I know I sound really preachy here, and I'm sorry (keep looking into the bottomless pools of blue gray blueness that are my eyes.) You need to let us men tell you what to do with regard to your bodies and babies, both born and unborn. Period. (well unborn really - after they're born ... well that's really your area right? ha ha - but seriously, it is)
Anyway - here's why men know all about women and babies. It's because we have penises, and penises have tiny little brains in them that only think about vaginas and vagina related subjects; unless that penis is gay, in which case it only thinks about other penises (ugh. We can talk about that later). So the penis brain (if it's not a gay penis, which again, ugh.) ... the penis brain tells the head brain all about women and ovaries and eggs and even menstrual cycles (ugh - sorry!) and that information, from the penis brain, allows us to make flawless decisions with regard to women and sex and unborn babies. And, of course, we're really just taking our cues from God, who gave us this double brain: penis brain and head brain - in the first place. So he must really, really trust us to make these decisions. Right?
That was a lot of heavy science-y stuff, I know. I wonder what's taking Mitt so long? He takes longer to "go" lately. One of these days he probably won't come back at all and then it'll be just li'l ol' me! Omigosh don't tell him I said that! Jeepers! He'll kill me! But it's true. Gosh you're pretty. Have you ever read Ayn Rand? I'd love to tell you about how Atlas Shrugged changed my life, if ... you know ... you're interested ... or even if you're not. Bartender? Another round for these gorgeous women here! And me too! OK - so here's what's so genius about Ayn Rand ...