Hi Pope Benedict? It's me! Sarah Palin!
Hi Pope Benedict? It's me! Sarah Palin! You're probably surprised to hear from me ... what? I'm sorry I didn't get that? OH - Oh right you're not Pope Benedict anymore, it's ... it's what? In Extremis? Extrictus? I'm sorry - jeez - your accent is stronger than Todd's mornin' coffee! No offense. Pope Emeritus - got it - Anyway - I heard about your quittin' and all, and I thought I should give you a call, cuz I'm sure, I mean I'm really really sure cuz I know from experience, believe me, that you're gettin' flack, major flack, for "quittin'". Right? I mean I know I did. Major. Flack. Like nobody every quit bein' a Governor before? Seriously? Well I'm pretty sure other governors have quit - I just haven't had time to look it up. I'm not a big "reader" - ya know? I've got bigger fish to fry! And catch! If I wanted to go fishin' - which I don't, but I could if I wanted to. Or huntin', which is also fun. Anyway - I don't know if you're into that stuff - huntin' n' fishin', but that's one of the major "benny's" of quittin' your job. Now you've got TIME to do stuff, ya know? And you're welcome to come with me like, whenever, seriously, cuz I'm very religious, as I'm sure you know, so I totally admire ... excuse me? Omigosh. Really?
It's Sarah. S-A-R-A-H, that's my first name, and P-A-L-I-N. That's my last name. From Alaska ... in America. Alaska, America. Right. I ran for President ... I mean Vice President (kinda the same really) ... with a Mr. John McCain? Back in 2008? Wow ... this is refreshing, I gotta tell you. It's been a loooong time since I had to explain who I was! Yes! Right. Yes - Sarah from Fox TV. That Sarah. I'm so glad you were watching! Who knew! - Um - no. I didn't quit there, they ... um ... well they let me go! Go figure. Coulda knocked me over with a salmon! I'm tellin' ya, I didn't see that comin', at all. Anyway. People have been giving you flack right? That's what I heard.
Right. I heard they were all like "... that hasn't happened in 600+ years blah blah blah" Listen. I get it. I mean if being Pope is anything like being Governor of Alaska - and I know it's different, but it IS a management position right? I mean there's more to runnin' Alaska than people think. It's pretty big. Very cold, slippery - lots of slips and falls happening - so law suits out the yingyang, beggin' your pardon. Not to mention Russia, just sittin' there starin' at us all the time, 24/7, so on and so forth. So - all I'm saying is - I feel ya. Time to MOVE ON. So think about this. Two words: Reality. Television.
Since Fox cut the cord I've been thinkin' about gettin' into producin'. And I thoughta some ideas for you! Seriously. Sit down. Here goes.
Cookin' and food shows are HUGE - so - first idea: "Pope Culture!" You - Ex-Pope - open an Artisinal cheese and yogurt shop behind the Vatican, you could call it,"Cheeses of Nazareth!" or "Cheeses Loves Yogurt!" ... and then just all the funny, day to day stuff that happens with that, ya know? Or - "Pope Corn Wars!" You - the Ex-Pope - judging competitive pop-corn making competitions. Sounds boring, I know, but with the right music and "crazy" contestants? Genius. And I predict "popcorn" is the next "cupcake" OK? So you'd be on the cutting edge of that. Or - and I really love this one: "Undercover Pope!" The one and only Ex-Pope, you - goes undercover to see what Priests are doing when they think they're not in front of the Pope - or Ex-Pope ... at the end you take off your wig and fake mustache and everybody cries! or laughs! - or gets arrested! Not you of course, just them. And that's just the beginning - there's all kinds of cool judgin' work you could get - or forgivin' stuff - like a great big dramatic show called "The Confessionator" or "Project Stairway to Heaven!" or somethin' - for people who just never really felt "forgiven" enough with a plain ol' priest - you could really - really forgive them - Ex-Pope style. Seriously, I've got A MILLION ideas. And you'll be surprised how quickly people stop talkin' about the fact that you "quit" whatever - seriously. Nobody talks about me hardly at all anymore, which is, you know ... what I really wanted in the first place. And why it's important for me to "get my name back out there!" Yeah! It IS like being reborn. I mean, just between you and me - The Catholic Church has seen better days - but Reality TV? You betcha. Bigger than ever. Sure. Sleep on it and we'll talk ... what was that? Red shoes? Heck yeah! You can have a new pair every day as far as I'm concerned!