Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown (in his own words)
"Calm down Ryan!" I said, "There's no crying in Congress!" (except for Boehner, ha ha).
But - he just kept crying so I sent him out to get some air. Therefore, I'm afraid you'll just have to hear from me, Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown. Yes, yes, please write that down. I'd like you to write that every time you write my name. Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown. Thank you.
Wait, what did you say?? Did you seriously just ask me what is wrong with Obamacare?? Well, it's worse than slavery! It's like nine hundred nuclear bombs covered with AIDS! That's what's wrong with it! It's like something the Nazis would do! And Hitler, you know? Have you HEARD of Hitler? You're actually asking me how it's like Hitler? Well how is it not like Hitler?? That's my question to you! Can you answer that??
OK - I hear you speaking, saying things that sound like ways you think Obamacare is different from Hitler, but you might as well be speaking in some kind of foreign language to me because it doesn't make any sense and I'm not going to discuss it anymore. Next question.
What still needs to be fixed in the budget? Did you just ask me that??? Well it's too big!! Duh!! You certainly wouldn't run your household the way we run this government. Can you imagine?? Borrowing money from China to buy things for your family? Like, say you had a young son, a toddler perhaps - and you needed, of course, to buy him things, like medicine, and clothes, and toys; I guess ... though I'll tell you, and this is true, kids are usually pretty happy with a box. That's what I get my kids every year, for birthdays and Christmas too. I go to all the big toy stores and snag some really good boxes, right there in the dumpster, in perfectly good condition, usually with pictures of toys right on them and I give those boxes to my kids instead of toys and they're happy as can be! OH sure they whine about it at first, "But Daddy! Our friends get the actual toys! Not just the boxes!" But then when I explain to them the fiscal sense of my giving them free boxes, instead of paying good money for toys, Chinese toys that are very likely covered in poison and poop germs, well, they stop crying and sit down with those boxes and have a ball. Kids love fiscal sense! It makes 'em feel safe! Why the Democrats don't want their kids to feel safe I couldn't tell you, but they don't, which is why they reject the laws of fiscal sense. And why they don't understand that we need to run the government like a household. "But our government's not like a household Congressman Cruz!" people say. "Yes!" It is!" I say. End of discussion.
Do I know economists disagree with me on that? Well I guess if I believed in economists that would mean something to me, but you know, I might as well believe in The Tooth Fairy. Economists are just like scientists. They believe all this mumbo jumbo based on research and stuff, and they've got charts and graphs that they CLAIM show facts and stuff, but the real deal is this ... God tells me what I need to know. End of story. I get a message from God, and I get that message pretty much every hour on the hour, and that message is this. "Ted! Don't cave. Don't listen to 'em. Don't let that bastard win!" That's right. God, speaking DIRECTLY TO ME, refers to President Obama as a bastard!! Listen, I wouldn't believe it if I didn't hear it myself, every hour on the hour, but I do. I tried to record it on my iphone, so I could play it for everyone in the world, but - of course, you can't capture the voice of our Heavenly Father on a worldly mobile device. And I was arrogant to think I could, so God took me down a peg for that by giving me a pretty mean case of diarrhea! Now a lot of other Reps got it as well and they think it's because our Government Shutdown sent all the staff home from the Congressional dining hall meaning we had to prepare our own grub and somebody (I'm looking at you Boehner!) probably didn't wash their hands properly after going to the bathroom. But - well - I don't know - even though other people got it too, I still think my diarrhea is special and was sent from God. And as far as I'm concerned, what I think goes, know what I mean? I don't need to "listen to other people" or "weigh the facts" or "learn from history" or any of that. I've got me, myself and I, and, of course, Him, and those are the only Facts that I need to weigh. So here's the deal. God says "Ted Cruz! Mastermind of the Government Shutdown! That bastard cannot win under any circumstances!"
His words - not mine. So, even if everything ends up getting destroyed to achieve that, well, as we all know, God has destroyed things before. So - if he wants to do that again, through me, then I, his humble servant, have no choice in the matter. Because God hates that bastard Obama! It's not up to me, and Amen to that! Because that would be a lot of pressure! And I probably wouldn't be up to the task IF it weren't for God guiding me: Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown.
End it like that, if you don't mind. I just love the way that sounds you know? Oops! I've got to run to the bathroom. If you'll excuse me.